Tips and tricks for special occasions… Cherishing the good memories !
If you have recently lost a loved one, are you ready to face the emotions that can sometimes accompany the holidays?
In the midst of the holiday season, it’s important to remind yourself that, after the loss of a loved one, whether from death or separation, special occasions are often difficult to get through, especially during the first year following the loss.
These specific events can bring back painful memories that remind you of this person’s absence: birthdays, wedding anniversaries, mother’s or father’s day, their date of death or departure, Christmas day, New Year’s, among many others…
During these times, it’s important to respect our emotions, our limits and our needs, but how exactly can we do this?
Before you begin planning for these events, speak to the members of your family. You can involve them in your choices and also respond to your needs while ensuring you take theirs into consideration as well.
Here are some tips and tricks that we propose…
Inspired by ‘’Formation Mon premier Noël sans toi’’, from Aidants Naturels du Haut-Saint-Laurent.
In the midst of the holiday season, it’s important to remind yourself that, after the loss of a loved one, whether from death or separation, special occasions are often difficult to get through, especially during the first year following the loss.
These specific events can bring back painful memories that remind you of this person’s absence: birthdays, wedding anniversaries, mother’s or father’s day, their date of death or departure, Christmas day, New Year’s, among many others…
During these times, it’s important to respect our emotions, our limits and our needs, but how exactly can we do this?
Before you begin planning for these events, speak to the members of your family. You can involve them in your choices and also respond to your needs while ensuring you take theirs into consideration as well.
Here are some tips and tricks that we propose…
- Express your emotions: For example, allow yourself to cry, to be angry and to process your feelings. It is also possible that you feel moments of peace, well-being and comfort, it is important to give yourself time to live in these moments.
- Set realistic limits for yourself: take into considerations your energy level. Evaluate different factors such as your tiredness and your physical and emotional health. Make sure not to overbook your schedule, will you be hosting all of the events during the holidays, will you accept all of the invitations you receive? Is it possible that someone else hosts this year?
- Take care of yourself: Find ways to relax and to recharge.
- Simplify your events: Avoid taking on too much or wanting to do everything by yourself. If possible, be a guest rather than a host, limit gift shopping, limit decorations and order a buffet rather than home cooking meals.
- Remember that it’s up to you to decide which kind of celebration is best for you, don’t force yourself to attend something if you don’t feel up to it.
- Go to events that will bring you joy
- Expect the best
- Give yourself time to remember and reflect on the good memories you shared with your lost loved one
- Make a toast to your lost loved one
- Go through old family albums
Inspired by ‘’Formation Mon premier Noël sans toi’’, from Aidants Naturels du Haut-Saint-Laurent.
References: Anxiety and depression association of America. (2018). Myths and Misconceptions about anxiety. Repéré à https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/myth-conceptions
Letting go
The expression ‘’letting go’’ is an expression that often surfaces strong emotions.
The expression ‘’letting go’’ can mean many things, such as ‘’release’’ or that you are ‘’not holding on tight enough’’… it can even make us think of cowardice.
What does the expression ‘’letting go’’ mean to you?
What can we let go of?
What category do you identify with? In relation to whom? In relation to what?
Do you want to change your situation, ex: no longer be a caregiver, or do you want to find a solution to the problems you are facing?
This is an important step because, if we do not determine where the problem lies and where it comes from, we are only working on a symptom of the problem and not the source of problem itself. At this moment, it is possible that you are only aware of the category in which you feel that you must learn to let go, without knowing exactly what and how.
Determine the difference between:
What I can control.
What I can influence.
What I am unable to control or influence.
The action of ‘’letting go’’ has renunciations
The steps are the following:
The 5 good reasons for not changing:
Making a choice will always mean dropping something else, and letting go is sometimes difficult for a variety of reasons. In reality, what we do not want to do is to face the consequences of our choices. To say "I have no choice", is to say that choices are difficult to make and that their consequences can be scary.
***DO NOT FORGET***
Take the time to ‘’sleep on in’’ before making a decision. Give yourself the time to reflect and digest the situation.
Try to objectively take a look at your options and reflect on your motivations, your needs and your responsibilities. We can change our perspective on a situation after taking a less emotional ‘’picture’’.
References:
Prévenir l’épuisement en relation d’aide | Michelle Arcand, Psy., ROMAN
The expression ‘’letting go’’ is an expression that often surfaces strong emotions.
The expression ‘’letting go’’ can mean many things, such as ‘’release’’ or that you are ‘’not holding on tight enough’’… it can even make us think of cowardice.
What does the expression ‘’letting go’’ mean to you?
What can we let go of?
- Our self-image
- Our attitude
- Being understood
- Our way of seeing things
- Our behaviour
- Our hope
- A situation
- Being in control or having power over others
- Some values
What category do you identify with? In relation to whom? In relation to what?
Do you want to change your situation, ex: no longer be a caregiver, or do you want to find a solution to the problems you are facing?
This is an important step because, if we do not determine where the problem lies and where it comes from, we are only working on a symptom of the problem and not the source of problem itself. At this moment, it is possible that you are only aware of the category in which you feel that you must learn to let go, without knowing exactly what and how.
Determine the difference between:
What I can control.
What I can influence.
What I am unable to control or influence.
The action of ‘’letting go’’ has renunciations
The steps are the following:
- We become conscious of what is not going well (CONSCIENCE)
- Take a ‘’photo’’ of the problematic situation
- We therefore want to change things (WANT)
- We see all of the obstacles which we will face
- We think of all of the renunciations we will have to do
- We think of what this will bring us
- What would the 1st picture show us if we saw it in a more positive light?
- In order to begin taking action, we must act on behalf of our awareness and not on our fears or anticipations. Otherwise, we will go around in circles.
The 5 good reasons for not changing:
- Staying passive to protect ourselves
- Staying passive to preserve the status quo
- Staying passive because we lack the energy to take action
- Staying passive in order to avoid the unknown
- Staying passive in order to avoid potential consequences
Making a choice will always mean dropping something else, and letting go is sometimes difficult for a variety of reasons. In reality, what we do not want to do is to face the consequences of our choices. To say "I have no choice", is to say that choices are difficult to make and that their consequences can be scary.
***DO NOT FORGET***
Take the time to ‘’sleep on in’’ before making a decision. Give yourself the time to reflect and digest the situation.
Try to objectively take a look at your options and reflect on your motivations, your needs and your responsibilities. We can change our perspective on a situation after taking a less emotional ‘’picture’’.
References:
Prévenir l’épuisement en relation d’aide | Michelle Arcand, Psy., ROMAN
What do I do when the person I'm taking care of, refuses external help ?
The majority of elderly people wish to live in their own home and conserve their independence and social life for as long as possible, which is completely normal. Where does the role of caregiver play in to all of this? Being a caregiver demands a lot of time and energy. This is why it is important to take care of yourself, as the care you give is precious. Have you ever wanted more time for yourself? Some help with tasks or chores? Have you ever gotten this help? If yes, what caused you to reach out? If not, what is stopping you from reaching out?
Sometimes, we may be reluctant to ask for help for many reasons. What are your concerns? Does the person you are caring for share these concerns? Oftentimes, caregivers want external help, but the person they are caring for refuses it, which makes things complicated and the help you need may never come. What should you do in this situation?
Identifying the psychological WHY :
This helps us to better understand the motivations of the elderly person we are caring for. The refusal of help is a normal phase in the process of accepting loss of autonomy. It is especially predominant during an increase in loss of autonomy (physical and mental), which increases their dependence on their caregiver.
What are the possible causes of refusal?
The invisible barriers:
Being an adult means being autonomous. It is therefore normal that preserving ones autonomy is so important. However, it is possible that we, ourselves, create invisible barriers towards receiving and asking for help.
What are the invisible barriers?
What are the consequences on our lives if we do not get long-term help?
How to assert yourself towards the reluctance of the person we are caring for?
References:
Paquet, M, (1997). La réticence familiale à recourir au soutien formel : un obstacle à la prévention de l’épuisement des personnes-soutien de personnes âgées dépendantes. Nouvelles pratiques sociales, 10(1), 111-124. doi:10.7202/301390ar
Inspiré d’articles de blogues :
www.domidom.fr/domimag/17-bons-gestes/faire-face-au-refus-d-aide-d-une-personne-agee;
www.psychologies.com/Moi/Moi-et-les-autres/Relationnel/Articles-et-Dossiers/Demander-de-l-aide-pourquoi-c-est-difficile;
http://e-psychiatrie.fr/situations-ou-appeler-a-laide/comment-aider-un-proche-conjoint-enfant-epouse-famille-mari-paris-psy
Mollard, J. (2009). Aidez les proches. Gérontologie et société, 32, (128-129). doi: 10.3917/gs.128.0257
Ladaoui, L. (2016). Pourquoi certains aidants refusent-ils d’être aidés ?. Repéré à : http://www.aidonslesnotres.fr/s-organiser-quand-on-est-aidant/article?urlTitle=pourquoi-certains-aidants-refusent-ils-d-etre-aides
CLIC Métropole Nord-Ouest. Le refus d’aide des personnes âgées à domicile: comment y faire face ?. Repéré à : http://www.clicmetropolenordouest.fr/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Guide-refus-daide-CLIC-MNO.pdf
The majority of elderly people wish to live in their own home and conserve their independence and social life for as long as possible, which is completely normal. Where does the role of caregiver play in to all of this? Being a caregiver demands a lot of time and energy. This is why it is important to take care of yourself, as the care you give is precious. Have you ever wanted more time for yourself? Some help with tasks or chores? Have you ever gotten this help? If yes, what caused you to reach out? If not, what is stopping you from reaching out?
Sometimes, we may be reluctant to ask for help for many reasons. What are your concerns? Does the person you are caring for share these concerns? Oftentimes, caregivers want external help, but the person they are caring for refuses it, which makes things complicated and the help you need may never come. What should you do in this situation?
Identifying the psychological WHY :
This helps us to better understand the motivations of the elderly person we are caring for. The refusal of help is a normal phase in the process of accepting loss of autonomy. It is especially predominant during an increase in loss of autonomy (physical and mental), which increases their dependence on their caregiver.
What are the possible causes of refusal?
- Denial of illness or dependence
- To claim autonomy over their judgement
- To defend their freedom
- To reaffirm their identity
- To oppose you
- To disappear
- Refusal in the course of help
- Cultural and financial reasons
The invisible barriers:
Being an adult means being autonomous. It is therefore normal that preserving ones autonomy is so important. However, it is possible that we, ourselves, create invisible barriers towards receiving and asking for help.
What are the invisible barriers?
- Feelings of guilt towards receiving help
- The impression of disloyalty if we prioritize our own needs
- Feelings of shame and failure
- The fear of the unknown (The belief that it is better to live through a distressing situation than to experience something new that may be worse)
What are the consequences on our lives if we do not get long-term help?
- Isolation
- Illness can last very long, over the course of many years, with more and more demands
- The invisibility of pathology surprises us when we least expect it
- The impossibility of investing hope in the possibility of recovery or stabilization of the illness
- Feelings of guilt taking over when it is time to act or make decisions in the place of the person with the illness
- The ambivalence of feelings of compassion and anger towards the person we are caring for whose illness is progressively evolving
- The caregiver becoming the object of the ill persons aggression
- Risk of exhaustion
How to assert yourself towards the reluctance of the person we are caring for?
- Recognizing the fears stopping me from asserting myself
- Granting importance to my own needs and responding to them
- Having the heart to improve your quality of life
- Making the other person aware of my point of view; verbalize the positive consequences of this change
- Setting limits and boundaries
- Being able to say no
- Giving the other person time to reflect on the question while reminding them of your own limits
- Compromising
- Being aware of your level of exhaustion and act accordingly
References:
Paquet, M, (1997). La réticence familiale à recourir au soutien formel : un obstacle à la prévention de l’épuisement des personnes-soutien de personnes âgées dépendantes. Nouvelles pratiques sociales, 10(1), 111-124. doi:10.7202/301390ar
Inspiré d’articles de blogues :
www.domidom.fr/domimag/17-bons-gestes/faire-face-au-refus-d-aide-d-une-personne-agee;
www.psychologies.com/Moi/Moi-et-les-autres/Relationnel/Articles-et-Dossiers/Demander-de-l-aide-pourquoi-c-est-difficile;
http://e-psychiatrie.fr/situations-ou-appeler-a-laide/comment-aider-un-proche-conjoint-enfant-epouse-famille-mari-paris-psy
Mollard, J. (2009). Aidez les proches. Gérontologie et société, 32, (128-129). doi: 10.3917/gs.128.0257
Ladaoui, L. (2016). Pourquoi certains aidants refusent-ils d’être aidés ?. Repéré à : http://www.aidonslesnotres.fr/s-organiser-quand-on-est-aidant/article?urlTitle=pourquoi-certains-aidants-refusent-ils-d-etre-aides
CLIC Métropole Nord-Ouest. Le refus d’aide des personnes âgées à domicile: comment y faire face ?. Repéré à : http://www.clicmetropolenordouest.fr/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Guide-refus-daide-CLIC-MNO.pdf
Did you know that caregivers are eligible for tax credits at both the federal and provincial level?
Steps to follow for the federal tax credit:
If you are caring for a spouse, common-law partner or a dependent with a mental or physical disability, you may be eligible for the Canada caregiver credit (CCC).
Definition of a dependent: A person is considered as being your dependent if they rely on you to regularly and systematically provide them with all or a portion of the basic necessities of daily life (ex: food, housing, clothing, etc.).
What amount can you claim?
The amount you can claim depends on your relationship to the person for whom you are claiming the CCC, your circumstances, the person’s net income and whether other credits are being claimed for that person. For more information click here.
What documents do you need to make a claim?
The CRA may ask for a signed statement from a medical practitioner showing when the impairment began and what the duration of the impairment is expected to be. (For this document, a physician may ask you for a payment of up to 50$, it is important to make copies in order to be able to provide the document on demand). You must then fill out the T2201 form (disability tax credit certificate).
Steps to follow for the federal tax credit:
If you are caring for a spouse, common-law partner or a dependent with a mental or physical disability, you may be eligible for the Canada caregiver credit (CCC).
Definition of a dependent: A person is considered as being your dependent if they rely on you to regularly and systematically provide them with all or a portion of the basic necessities of daily life (ex: food, housing, clothing, etc.).
What amount can you claim?
The amount you can claim depends on your relationship to the person for whom you are claiming the CCC, your circumstances, the person’s net income and whether other credits are being claimed for that person. For more information click here.
What documents do you need to make a claim?
The CRA may ask for a signed statement from a medical practitioner showing when the impairment began and what the duration of the impairment is expected to be. (For this document, a physician may ask you for a payment of up to 50$, it is important to make copies in order to be able to provide the document on demand). You must then fill out the T2201 form (disability tax credit certificate).
Steps to follow for the provincial tax credit:
Tax Credit for Caregivers (LINE 462)
Who can claim this?
If you:
You can claim a refundable tax credit for caregivers if you meet both of the following conditions:
You can claim a tax credit of $1,015 if:
To claim the tax credit, complete parts A, B and D of Schedule H.
You must also fill out the Certificate respecting an impairment (TP-752.0.14).
For all other situations, refer to the Revenue Quebec website: https://www.revenuquebec.ca/en/citizens/income-tax-return/completing-your-income-tax-return/completing-your-income-tax-return/line-by-line-help/451-to-480-refund-or-balance-due/line-462/point-2/
References:
www.canada.ca/fr/agence-revenu.html
www.revenuquebec.ca/fr/
If you meet the admissibility criteria for this tax credit, you are eligible to receive help and support from our volunteers in order to fill out your tax return.
Tax Credit for Caregivers (LINE 462)
Who can claim this?
If you:
- Took care of your spouse, a senior who was unable to live alone
- Housed an eligible relative;
- Cohabited with an eligible relative who was unable to live alone; or
- Supported an eligible relative whom you regularly and continuously assisted in carrying out a basic activity of daily living.
You can claim a refundable tax credit for caregivers if you meet both of the following conditions:
- You were resident in Québec on December 31, 2018
- No one, other than your spouse, is claiming an amount with regard to you on line 367, 378 or 381 of his or her return.
You can claim a tax credit of $1,015 if:
- Your spouse was 70 or older at the end of 2018 and had a severe and prolonged impairment in mental or physical functions (see line 376) that rendered him or her unable to live alone as certified by a physician or a specialized nurse practitioner (a physician may ask you for a payment of up to 50$, it is important to make copies of the document);
- Your spouse lived with you in Canada for at least 365 consecutive days, including at least 183 days in 2018. You must have lived together in a dwelling that is not located in a private seniors' residence or in a public network facility and that you and/or your spouse owned, rented or sublet either independently or with another person.
To claim the tax credit, complete parts A, B and D of Schedule H.
You must also fill out the Certificate respecting an impairment (TP-752.0.14).
For all other situations, refer to the Revenue Quebec website: https://www.revenuquebec.ca/en/citizens/income-tax-return/completing-your-income-tax-return/completing-your-income-tax-return/line-by-line-help/451-to-480-refund-or-balance-due/line-462/point-2/
References:
www.canada.ca/fr/agence-revenu.html
www.revenuquebec.ca/fr/
If you meet the admissibility criteria for this tax credit, you are eligible to receive help and support from our volunteers in order to fill out your tax return.
