What do I do when the person I'm taking care of, refuses external help ?
The majority of elderly people wish to live in their own home and conserve their independence and social life for as long as possible, which is completely normal. Where does the role of caregiver play in to all of this? Being a caregiver demands a lot of time and energy. This is why it is important to take care of yourself, as the care you give is precious. Have you ever wanted more time for yourself? Some help with tasks or chores? Have you ever gotten this help? If yes, what caused you to reach out? If not, what is stopping you from reaching out?
Sometimes, we may be reluctant to ask for help for many reasons. What are your concerns? Does the person you are caring for share these concerns? Oftentimes, caregivers want external help, but the person they are caring for refuses it, which makes things complicated and the help you need may never come. What should you do in this situation?
Identifying the psychological WHY :
This helps us to better understand the motivations of the elderly person we are caring for. The refusal of help is a normal phase in the process of accepting loss of autonomy. It is especially predominant during an increase in loss of autonomy (physical and mental), which increases their dependence on their caregiver.
What are the possible causes of refusal?
The invisible barriers:
Being an adult means being autonomous. It is therefore normal that preserving ones autonomy is so important. However, it is possible that we, ourselves, create invisible barriers towards receiving and asking for help.
What are the invisible barriers?
What are the consequences on our lives if we do not get long-term help?
How to assert yourself towards the reluctance of the person we are caring for?
References:
Paquet, M, (1997). La réticence familiale à recourir au soutien formel : un obstacle à la prévention de l’épuisement des personnes-soutien de personnes âgées dépendantes. Nouvelles pratiques sociales, 10(1), 111-124. doi:10.7202/301390ar
Inspiré d’articles de blogues :
www.domidom.fr/domimag/17-bons-gestes/faire-face-au-refus-d-aide-d-une-personne-agee;
www.psychologies.com/Moi/Moi-et-les-autres/Relationnel/Articles-et-Dossiers/Demander-de-l-aide-pourquoi-c-est-difficile;
http://e-psychiatrie.fr/situations-ou-appeler-a-laide/comment-aider-un-proche-conjoint-enfant-epouse-famille-mari-paris-psy
Mollard, J. (2009). Aidez les proches. Gérontologie et société, 32, (128-129). doi: 10.3917/gs.128.0257
Ladaoui, L. (2016). Pourquoi certains aidants refusent-ils d’être aidés ?. Repéré à : http://www.aidonslesnotres.fr/s-organiser-quand-on-est-aidant/article?urlTitle=pourquoi-certains-aidants-refusent-ils-d-etre-aides
CLIC Métropole Nord-Ouest. Le refus d’aide des personnes âgées à domicile: comment y faire face ?. Repéré à : http://www.clicmetropolenordouest.fr/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Guide-refus-daide-CLIC-MNO.pdf
The majority of elderly people wish to live in their own home and conserve their independence and social life for as long as possible, which is completely normal. Where does the role of caregiver play in to all of this? Being a caregiver demands a lot of time and energy. This is why it is important to take care of yourself, as the care you give is precious. Have you ever wanted more time for yourself? Some help with tasks or chores? Have you ever gotten this help? If yes, what caused you to reach out? If not, what is stopping you from reaching out?
Sometimes, we may be reluctant to ask for help for many reasons. What are your concerns? Does the person you are caring for share these concerns? Oftentimes, caregivers want external help, but the person they are caring for refuses it, which makes things complicated and the help you need may never come. What should you do in this situation?
Identifying the psychological WHY :
This helps us to better understand the motivations of the elderly person we are caring for. The refusal of help is a normal phase in the process of accepting loss of autonomy. It is especially predominant during an increase in loss of autonomy (physical and mental), which increases their dependence on their caregiver.
What are the possible causes of refusal?
- Denial of illness or dependence
- To claim autonomy over their judgement
- To defend their freedom
- To reaffirm their identity
- To oppose you
- To disappear
- Refusal in the course of help
- Cultural and financial reasons
The invisible barriers:
Being an adult means being autonomous. It is therefore normal that preserving ones autonomy is so important. However, it is possible that we, ourselves, create invisible barriers towards receiving and asking for help.
What are the invisible barriers?
- Feelings of guilt towards receiving help
- The impression of disloyalty if we prioritize our own needs
- Feelings of shame and failure
- The fear of the unknown (The belief that it is better to live through a distressing situation than to experience something new that may be worse)
What are the consequences on our lives if we do not get long-term help?
- Isolation
- Illness can last very long, over the course of many years, with more and more demands
- The invisibility of pathology surprises us when we least expect it
- The impossibility of investing hope in the possibility of recovery or stabilization of the illness
- Feelings of guilt taking over when it is time to act or make decisions in the place of the person with the illness
- The ambivalence of feelings of compassion and anger towards the person we are caring for whose illness is progressively evolving
- The caregiver becoming the object of the ill persons aggression
- Risk of exhaustion
How to assert yourself towards the reluctance of the person we are caring for?
- Recognizing the fears stopping me from asserting myself
- Granting importance to my own needs and responding to them
- Having the heart to improve your quality of life
- Making the other person aware of my point of view; verbalize the positive consequences of this change
- Setting limits and boundaries
- Being able to say no
- Giving the other person time to reflect on the question while reminding them of your own limits
- Compromising
- Being aware of your level of exhaustion and act accordingly
References:
Paquet, M, (1997). La réticence familiale à recourir au soutien formel : un obstacle à la prévention de l’épuisement des personnes-soutien de personnes âgées dépendantes. Nouvelles pratiques sociales, 10(1), 111-124. doi:10.7202/301390ar
Inspiré d’articles de blogues :
www.domidom.fr/domimag/17-bons-gestes/faire-face-au-refus-d-aide-d-une-personne-agee;
www.psychologies.com/Moi/Moi-et-les-autres/Relationnel/Articles-et-Dossiers/Demander-de-l-aide-pourquoi-c-est-difficile;
http://e-psychiatrie.fr/situations-ou-appeler-a-laide/comment-aider-un-proche-conjoint-enfant-epouse-famille-mari-paris-psy
Mollard, J. (2009). Aidez les proches. Gérontologie et société, 32, (128-129). doi: 10.3917/gs.128.0257
Ladaoui, L. (2016). Pourquoi certains aidants refusent-ils d’être aidés ?. Repéré à : http://www.aidonslesnotres.fr/s-organiser-quand-on-est-aidant/article?urlTitle=pourquoi-certains-aidants-refusent-ils-d-etre-aides
CLIC Métropole Nord-Ouest. Le refus d’aide des personnes âgées à domicile: comment y faire face ?. Repéré à : http://www.clicmetropolenordouest.fr/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Guide-refus-daide-CLIC-MNO.pdf
Did you know that caregivers are eligible for tax credits at both the federal and provincial level?
Steps to follow for the federal tax credit:
If you are caring for a spouse, common-law partner or a dependent with a mental or physical disability, you may be eligible for the Canada caregiver credit (CCC).
Definition of a dependent: A person is considered as being your dependent if they rely on you to regularly and systematically provide them with all or a portion of the basic necessities of daily life (ex: food, housing, clothing, etc.).
What amount can you claim?
The amount you can claim depends on your relationship to the person for whom you are claiming the CCC, your circumstances, the person’s net income and whether other credits are being claimed for that person. For more information click here.
What documents do you need to make a claim?
The CRA may ask for a signed statement from a medical practitioner showing when the impairment began and what the duration of the impairment is expected to be. (For this document, a physician may ask you for a payment of up to 50$, it is important to make copies in order to be able to provide the document on demand). You must then fill out the T2201 form (disability tax credit certificate).
Steps to follow for the federal tax credit:
If you are caring for a spouse, common-law partner or a dependent with a mental or physical disability, you may be eligible for the Canada caregiver credit (CCC).
Definition of a dependent: A person is considered as being your dependent if they rely on you to regularly and systematically provide them with all or a portion of the basic necessities of daily life (ex: food, housing, clothing, etc.).
What amount can you claim?
The amount you can claim depends on your relationship to the person for whom you are claiming the CCC, your circumstances, the person’s net income and whether other credits are being claimed for that person. For more information click here.
What documents do you need to make a claim?
The CRA may ask for a signed statement from a medical practitioner showing when the impairment began and what the duration of the impairment is expected to be. (For this document, a physician may ask you for a payment of up to 50$, it is important to make copies in order to be able to provide the document on demand). You must then fill out the T2201 form (disability tax credit certificate).
Steps to follow for the provincial tax credit:
Tax Credit for Caregivers (LINE 462)
Who can claim this?
If you:
You can claim a refundable tax credit for caregivers if you meet both of the following conditions:
You can claim a tax credit of $1,015 if:
To claim the tax credit, complete parts A, B and D of Schedule H.
You must also fill out the Certificate respecting an impairment (TP-752.0.14).
For all other situations, refer to the Revenue Quebec website: https://www.revenuquebec.ca/en/citizens/income-tax-return/completing-your-income-tax-return/completing-your-income-tax-return/line-by-line-help/451-to-480-refund-or-balance-due/line-462/point-2/
References:
www.canada.ca/fr/agence-revenu.html
www.revenuquebec.ca/fr/
If you meet the admissibility criteria for this tax credit, you are eligible to receive help and support from our volunteers in order to fill out your tax return.
Tax Credit for Caregivers (LINE 462)
Who can claim this?
If you:
- Took care of your spouse, a senior who was unable to live alone
- Housed an eligible relative;
- Cohabited with an eligible relative who was unable to live alone; or
- Supported an eligible relative whom you regularly and continuously assisted in carrying out a basic activity of daily living.
You can claim a refundable tax credit for caregivers if you meet both of the following conditions:
- You were resident in Québec on December 31, 2018
- No one, other than your spouse, is claiming an amount with regard to you on line 367, 378 or 381 of his or her return.
You can claim a tax credit of $1,015 if:
- Your spouse was 70 or older at the end of 2018 and had a severe and prolonged impairment in mental or physical functions (see line 376) that rendered him or her unable to live alone as certified by a physician or a specialized nurse practitioner (a physician may ask you for a payment of up to 50$, it is important to make copies of the document);
- Your spouse lived with you in Canada for at least 365 consecutive days, including at least 183 days in 2018. You must have lived together in a dwelling that is not located in a private seniors' residence or in a public network facility and that you and/or your spouse owned, rented or sublet either independently or with another person.
To claim the tax credit, complete parts A, B and D of Schedule H.
You must also fill out the Certificate respecting an impairment (TP-752.0.14).
For all other situations, refer to the Revenue Quebec website: https://www.revenuquebec.ca/en/citizens/income-tax-return/completing-your-income-tax-return/completing-your-income-tax-return/line-by-line-help/451-to-480-refund-or-balance-due/line-462/point-2/
References:
www.canada.ca/fr/agence-revenu.html
www.revenuquebec.ca/fr/
If you meet the admissibility criteria for this tax credit, you are eligible to receive help and support from our volunteers in order to fill out your tax return.
